Too many challenges

Lately I’ve been challenging myself alot. A bit too much. Today ends my 1h meditation challenge. I have also couple other challenges going on for me. Sober january. I must write 1000 words everyday. 5 times to the gym every week. Also I want to practice singing, yoga, playing guitar, play poker at some points and I’m playing floorball 4 times a week and volleyball 2 times a week. And I want to cycle everywhere and not use my car. And not eat any sweets of any sorts. What am I even doing. Why I’m making my life so hard for myself. I need to not restrict myself from everything and loosen up a little bit. I’ve stressed alot lately. I feel like I have so much to do but I can’t get anything done. From this point on I’ll meditate when I feel like it. I might start a new challenge when the time is right but I want to try to not make it too strict for myself with the rules of how I should live my life. I won’t go to gym if I don’t feel like it. Who says I must go there 5 times a week. I already do so much exercising already and too much exercising is a problem too. I’ve had sleeping issues,  memory problems and not the best appetite and also some personal problems. I’ve lately regularly woken up very early very alert and it’s hard to catch sleep again and then when I wake up again after catching sleep after a while, I feel very sleepy and can’t get much done in the mornings. Some days are different. Usually when I see people it’s fun but I’ve not been myself lately and sometimes I can’t think of anything to say when I feel like I would in the past in same kind of situations. Also I’m leaving for exchange in about 3 weeks and there’s alot of stuff that I’ve had to organize concerning it and still some left to do. Also I don’t know if I’ll go to army right after I come from exchange. On the other hand I’m up for it but on the other hand I’ve concidered skipping it to the future. But I think I’ll just go through with it. It’s just 2 months of duty that I have left, unless they figure out some way to make it longer for me.

I need to relax more and not think I have to get everything done in one day. I often think in the nights before I catch sleep what I want to get done the next day and make a list but often I don’t feel like I have any energy in the mornings to do anything. There’s something fundamentally wrong. Then I get disappointed at myself for not getting stuff done. My to-do list just gets longer everyday and often I get done only half of some tasks I have on it at the time. I don’t even want to think about any long term school or work stuff that I should maybe put on the list. The challenge to write 1000 words every day (in finnish that is) ends in about 2 weeks (I write the words in Word, in December I used site called 750words.com, the site has 30-day free trial but after that it’s 5$/month, I don’t think it’s really worth it but the site is handy so feel free to use it for the free month if you feel like it) and sober january in week and a half. I feel like drinking for a change. At one point I thought I might become an absolutist but couple beers here and there isn’t too bad. I feel like this time I can avoid my drinking habits going overboard. Well they never were the worst but I wasn’t happy the way they were before I started my sober january (I started it around 16th of December, so a little earlier than usually xD). Also I need to set myself some personal boundaries and stop trying to please everyone and not try to do everything by myself. I need to learn to say no more and not think that I won’t be liked and will be abandoned if I decline an offer or a request for help if I really don’t have the time in my hands right then or I can’t fulfill it.

Anyway, here are the conclusions of my meditation challenge:

20th: 1h in the morning

21st: 1h in the noon (fell asleep for the last 25min)

22nd: 1h in the noon

23rd: 1h meditation around midnight (fell asleep but woke up to the alarm)

24th: https://youtu.be/Tsz-_KxqZGA

25th: 1h

26th: 1h

27th: 1h in the morning in bed

28th: 1h meditation in the night

29th: 10min in morning, 50min in night in bed, fell asleep accidentally

30th: skipped, rough day (mentally)

31st: 1h during the day

1st: skipped, rough day (mentally)

2nd: 1h

3rd: 1h

4th: 1h, yoga

5th: 1h, yoga

6th: 1h, yoga

7th: 1h, yoga

8th: 1h, yoga

9th: 1h, meditated in bed and fell asleep

10th: 1h, yoga

11th: 1h, yoga

12th: 1h, yoga

13th: 1h, yoga

14th: 1h, yoga, singing

15th: 1h, yoga

16th: 20min yoga in gym, stayed up late playing poker with friends

17th: 1h

18th: 1h, played some guitar (had not touched it in long time)

19th: 1h

20th: 1h

Conclusions: What I’m happy about is the fact that I’ve done alot of yoga during my meditation sessions. At some point almost daily. But after a while the same yoga routine becomes very boring and dull. I’ll find more yoga poses from online and I’ll propably attend some guided yoga classes in near future. Also I’ve started to sing alot while meditating. Usually I listen the song from Spotify and look for the lyrics from MusiXmatch. Some lyrics of a song sometimes start to come in my mind when thinking of certain situations from my past and it’s easy to express emotions while singing. Sometimes I do breathing practises where I try to do the Om sound for as long as I can while meditating. Pretty fun. It’s like same as trying to hold your breath underwater as long as you can. Sometimes I talk in english (only couple times) while meditating, its pretty cool. Someone could say I’m going insane, hearing voices inside my head and talking to myself, but that’s not the case. I’m just unlocking stuff from my subconscious mind and practising skills that I feel like I enjoy using and that will serve me well in future. Before I go to exchange I would like to do couple things. Do atleast one pull-up (never done one in my life), go to swim in a hole in the ice and maybe go to sing some song in a karaoke in some bar (never had the courage to do that). I get these crazy ideas sometimes while meditating, for example trying to do a handstand or go to my balcony naked. Or start some weird new hobby like parkour or rapping (which I’ve practised lately a bit). Yep, go on and be weird, be yourself, don’t get scared from what others say about you. Only you know what is best for you so follow your heart.  🙂