Deep thought, right? For me it’s almost a daily battle thinking what is life’s meaning. It all doesn’t seem to have any single reason why everything exists. Nobody seems to know for sure. Continue reading
It’s horrible. You don’t want the thoughts to be there. You start to think what’s wrong with you for even thinking about suicide. You shouldn’t suicide. It’s wrong. You’ll go to hell. It’s selfish. But sometimes it seems like the only way out. Only way out of a life which feels unfulfilling. Broken dreams. A wasted life. Life not worth living. And they say it’s attention seeking if you talk about it. Is it really? Maybe it is. Maybe it is seeking for the attention that you never got. Maybe it’s right to give attention to people who are suffering. Maybe you should hug them. I don’t know. Maybe you can make a change. Maybe you can be the little light in their dark lives. Maybe they’d appriciate you for the rest of their lives if you gave them a helping hand. Maybe you could be less selfish and more selfless. You are not your ego. Your ego stops you from helping. Maybe you think they deserve it. Depression is a serious illness. It’s not something made up or something you can just snap out off. It’s a constant state.
This is to everyone suffering: I love you. But what you must learn is to love yourself. Love everything about you. Look yourself in the mirror and say to yourself, I love you. Become your own best friend.
First of all, what is flow? Flow is the feeling or state of mind where you lose the sense of yourself, you are feeling an absolute bliss. It’s when you are embodying the very essence of who you truly are, infinite source of energy. You don’t perceive yourself anymore with your ego, you are stepping out of your ego and expanding your comfort zone and consciousness, you are growing. You lose the track of time and you might forget what pain feels like. You are tapping into something greater than what your mere physical body has to offer. Flow is accessible to anyone at anytime. What you have to do to access flow is surrender. Surrender to the moment. Because the moment is all we have. Our reality consists of stream of current moments hence past and future as we know them or usually think of them don’t exist. Time goes fast because time is just an illusion, you are giving all of you to the process. It’s a beautiful sensation and preferably the work you do or hobbies you have should unlock that part of your existence in order for your life to feel fulfilling. The experience can be so powerful that nothing feels the same afterwards, at least for a period of time. You feel like you are in extacy without using real drugs. There is a hallucinogenic drug that can be created inside of our brain called DMT that might have something to do with flow experience, I will need to look into that (according to my research, it doesn’t but that just goes to show how little I know about this topic). There is a song that says “You only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low” and that holds true in this case also. If you are not prepared, you will feel devastated after the flow is over. It’s like surfing on a wave. It’s a very thin line you must trapetisize on (is that even a real word?). But don’t be scared, it’s accessible anytime you want. But the circumstances must be right. You need to know what you are doing. If you are trying something new, it’s hard to achieve it in the beginning, but hang in there, the best is yet to come. Usually the very start is hard because you are full of fear, but you must give in to the fear. Actually fear is also an illusion. If you face a situation without fear, you will realize there was no situation to face. It’s all about the mindset and perspective.
I’ve felt like I’m going insane for a quite long time now, it’s sometimes truly annoying, irritating, I sometimes don’t feel like I can handle myself and the world. I’ve felt like killing myself. I’ve felt really dark. I’ve felt insane. I’ve felt it’s too much. I don’t wish this upon anyone, not even my greatest enemies (who are only reflections of my inner self). I’m sorry if this is disturbing. I was just recently in a mental hospital for a while and I felt like it was needed for me to be there, the visit didn’t go to waste at all. Right now I am eating pills to get my depression in control. Sometimes it takes control over me and I’m not in control. I sometimes sit in hot shower for 2 hours straight, wondering what’s the purpose of everything… I don’t know why I do it to myself, it feels good tho. I feel like I am a superstar sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’m invisible. Maybe I have Schizophrenia , maybe I have bipolar disorder, or I’m just depressed and delusional. I don’t know. What I wish is for brighter tomorrow, without any fears. I fear alot. I fear going insane, I fear hurting those closest to me. I like writing. I like how it makes me feel like I am in control, I decide what I write. I can atleast decide over that. Sometimes while writing I feel in the zone, or feel like being in the flow. Sometimes while writing I feel like I actually am good at something. But that’s only sometimes. Right now I feel like this is a call for help or I feel like this is a message to the world about me. Just me. I am searching for attention. That makes me a bad person. I don’t know. I don’t really care. I can write whatever I want and then publish it on facebook, graving for likes in my post, which activates the dopamine in my brain and makes me feel good. I feel like people care. I feel like I am noticed. But don’t be worried. I will be fine. I always will be F.I.N.E. (which means fearful, insecure, neurotic, emotional). I might say I’m fine. I will probably tell you I am fine after someone just cut my hand off. I don’t want you worried. While writing this I started to feel better. As if I got something off my chest. But it’ll probably be there tomorrow again. I forget who I am by tomorrow. Then I’ll probably write again to make myself feel better, or I forget to do that and I feel shitty throughout the day. That’s just how I am. I forget things. I probably would forget my name if people didn’t call me by it. That was a joke if you didn’t get it. Laugh. It was funny. I am funny. Lmao. Don’t be worried by me. I am just… lunatic. They say the best ones are crazy. So I am one of the best ones. Right now I am writing this to a particular person. Another me in another timespace reality. I hope they see this. Even if they don’t I don’t care, I don’t mind, anything goes. I’ll be fine.
What you think about and tell yourself becomes your reality. If you are telling yourself daily that you are not good enough, you are fat, ugly etc. then you will only want to hear that from people. You will only look for evidence for that. It’s actually funny how it works. If you instead start telling yourself that you are good enough, you are awesome, funny etc. then you will see evidence for that. Paranoia is being fearful of very unlikely things, on the other hand pronoia is the phenomena that universe is conspiring to help you with everything you want to do. So become the master of your thoughts. At start you might not be able to control which kind of thoughts you get but you can choose to not give them any power and eventually they will stop appearing. Treat your thoughts like you would treat a garden. Take off the weeds and let the most beautiful flowers bloom. Your inner world is your outer world. If you change the way you see things, the things you see change. Your reality is where you look at. So look at all the positive aspects of life. You most likely have a roof over your head, food to eat everyday, running water and other privileges. Be thankful. Some people don’t have any of those things and for them it’s not certain whether they will see tomorrow or not. You are so lucky if you think about it. You don’t have to worry about a thing. Worrying is useless, it serves no purpose. It doesn’t serve you. When you worry, you get anxious and things become harder to accomplish. You procrastinate. You don’t even try. And if you never try, you can’t win. Master has failed more times than a student has even tried. So become mindful of your thoughts. Realise that they are just thoughts. They are probably what you got told to you when you were a child and now it has became your reality. Start to delete those programs from your head and replace them with new ones.
My day. Now that’s a question I don’t get asked too often. In fact I spend a lot of my days quite isolated. I don’t want to admit it but that just happens to be the case in my current life.
First of all, who really cares? If someone has a problem with what you believe in, they have a problem with what they believe in. It should be everyone’s own business what they believe in. Some people are so busy that they never even start to think about it, and that’s okey. There’s about 7 billion people in the world and also at the same time about 7 billion different points of view. Everyone sees the world differently. Some people try their whole life to see the world in a way it was told for them to see in. Never stop questioning. Why you think in a certain way? Were you raised to think that way?
Hello. Been a while. I’ve not written anything in this blog for a while and I’m sorry. In actuality I’m not sorry. I’ve not had the best mood lately and I haven’t really felt productive and I’m not claiming the fact that I’m currently in the army is the sole reason for it but it definitely has an at least slightly negative effect on me. I would be lying if I said I’m not depressed after coming from the exchange back to regular life, although it’s up to me to make my life more interesting and seek for new adventures. I never thought I’d abandon writing completely because I see so many benefits in it but sometimes the time just isn’t right (or left in my case because I’m left handed, right?). I’m getting a little sidetracked and I should go to the topic which is narcissism which is something I’ve had to deal almost for my whole life in some way or another. I’ll get to what I mean by this a little bit later.
It’s time again. What is time anyway. Manmade concept, illusion. Listening to Imagine Dragon’s – It’s Time right now, how fitting. I’ve been having a break from regular meditation and writing but I feel like now I need to pick them up again. Meditation was what started it all for me. Before I started to meditate about 9 months ago, I was doubting myself, I was not eating well, I wasn’t exercising enough, I was more shy, I had never asked a girl out, I wasn’t living. I probably wouldn’t be in exchange right now if I didn’t start to meditate last summer. It truely changed my life. And now I’ll stop coming up with excuses for not doing it regularly. If I don’t set myself a challenge to do it, I just find myself forgetting to do it or just saying that I’ll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn’t exist, there’s just the present moment. If you want to get something done, do it now. Stop waiting, Buddha said you only think you have time. Listening to a playlist named Motivation that I made for myself and every song in it is uplifting and motivating. Clock is almost 4pm and I’m yet to get out of my bed today but I don’t even care. It’s fine. Yesterday I met one of the greatest guys I’ve met in my life. Every word he said was the pure truth. Me and him were thinking exactly the same way about things. We talked about things that are not discussed regularly because they are so controversial. Things like the moon landing, 9/11, the state of world economy and how evil it is, legalizing weed, problems of alcohol, harder drugs, about auras, love, hate, fake people, the fact that there shouldn’t be borders in the world. Also about meditation, tattoos, elements (he taught me thumb stands for fire, index finger for wind, middle finger for holy spirit, ring finger for earth and pinkie for water and it all makes so much sense). I had a great night talking and spending time with him. He was swearing to me that he knew me from before, that he knew a guy just like me. I felt the same, one of my childhood friends was and is still just like him. Some people you just feel that you have met before with even though you just met them.
Finally a month has gone after I decided I’ll take a break from drinking alcohol. I started on 10th of last month and ended 10th of this month (2 days ago). I’m currently in Erasmus exchange in Dornbirn, Austria and it can be easy to drink too much because we do have quite many parties here. Usually the problem isn’t that I drink too much but that I drink too frequently. First of all it’s alot of calories if you drink say 3 times a week and each time like 5 to 8 portions. Sometimes we have a party on monday, and then the next one is on thursday and ofcourse there will be drinking on friday and saturday (sometimes on sundays too). At first I wanted to be just a week without drinking but after the one week I didn’t still feel like drinking at all. And then after two weeks it just made sense to be atleast one month without drinking. It’s not that hard for me to be without drinking. I was I think 45 days without drinking from middle of December to the end of January. The first 30 days went pretty easily but towards the end I really started to feel like drinking again for a change. The fact that I was going through alot during that time might have something to do with me wanting to just get wasted and forget about it all. Ofcourse that’s not a longterm solution and the problems will just continue to persist and you might develop new ones with careless drinking.